15th july, 2008: take revenge, son, it’s all we have

this is a very, very overdue update, and there will be a bit i have to give you all:

First, this short story. I quite like it so far-no title yet-and I’m considering a continuation from a new perspective when i get some feedback from you guys. Enjoy:

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The key doesn’t fit in the lock. He twists and twists until his wrist aches, and then he goes to the only place he knows he’s welcome.

Outside the local trying to light a smoke to no avail, he can see the bartender coming outside to usher in his best customer. Unfortunately, it’s not his day.

“John, the lads have been asking after y’. Get in there and calm ‘em down? Awful weather, this.” Immediately, John knows it’s all business. The stitching of the pockets on the battered jacked groan as he puts his lighter away, but don’t jingle with the stumbling melody of undrunk cash. He has no money. Sarah is too old for any child support, but in two months he’ll have a whole new problem.

“Sorry, mate, I’m not that guy right now. Give it a bit.” The bartender sighs, waving at the other punters who are clanking empty glasses on the tables in a menacing rhythm that means he has something to pay the rent with.

“A’right, but I can’t keep them happy forever. Can’t stay out here too long either, ’s awful weather. Would let you smoke inside, but you know what it’s like.” John remembers all those Biology lessons he had, about the systems of the body: the respiratory system, which he’s doing his level best to clog up with no result, and the digestive system, which is the only part of John the bartender really cares about. John can see the textbook pages flashing faintly in front of him now, storming around his synapses…the liver breaks down proteins and produces bile. Liver failure is usually caused by cirrhosis, of which major factors are diseases like Hepitatis C and, more commonly, alcoholism. The only solution is transplantation.

“I’ll be in, Ste, don’t worry ’bout me now,” he smiles, but it’s all teeth. His “can I help you?” smile. His wedding day smile. “Take care of ‘em, can’t hear myself think.” Ste makes his way back in, and John  pulls his keys out, feeling over the ridges. Maybe he didn’t get a new key cut yet and brought his old set out. The car was in the drive and you could hear canned laughter from Jess’ favourite sitcom through the open window, but John deludes himself whilst coming up with a way for someone to pay for his drink.

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Second, this little blog rant concerning my new romance and the old one, and the mistakes i’ve made and how to rectify those in my mind.

i found a song that makes me feel like he was singing it right at me. it’s been a year now, and i still hate him, i hate him with everything i have to hate him with, and that capacity is fading as my life becomes more about the things i have than the things i have lost. it’s very cheesy and typical to say a song sums up things about your life, i know, but this is everything that happened to me in 3 minutes and three quarters, which disturbs me. perhaps everyone has this experience or an isotope of it, and my experience is a million other people’s but recycled and with different names in the blank spaces, i don’t really know.

i feel like i have more closure, now. and in my current state, i feel happy with that. i feel happy that i can leave it behind and have a better experience, improve on everything that screwed up last time.

i want to take her out on a real date, where we dress up nice and i can pay for a nice restaurant. i want to take the time out of every single day to talk to her, no matter how short, just to ask how her day was and introduce her to my family, like something out of a tv drama. i hope she knows how beautiful she is, and if she doesn’t know it yet i’ll tell her, i’ll tell her over and over again until she can smile at me that perfect way she does every time i go and meet her off the train, like she’s so happy to be here and to be us, we, all those lovely pronouns that link us together even when we’re seperated by long journeys we can’t take. and i’ll smile back at her the same way, just to let her know, this is the best feeling i’ll have for the rest of the week, and then when i see her again that feeling will flood back all over again and i’ll hang onto it, even if it’s so simple and nobody cares about it except us.

i hope she knows all that.

and that’s it for now-i think there’s a poem I have to upload, too, i’ll find it for you guys. for now, enjoy today’s updates, and comment on them as you wish :]

xx

currently listening to: tiny vessels by death cab for cutie
from album: transatlanticism